Monday, October 26, 2009

It's official.

Today was the homecoming of Johanna Raye.

I could tell you all sorts of things about the service but I really don't feel like it. Please don't look down on me, it was an amazing service. Especially Brother Moneyham's sermon on sketching rainbows instead of chasing them. I told God today that I'm not chasing them and I'm not sketching them. I told Him that I will start sketching once I'm over my hurtfulness.

I know I'm not the Mother of Jo and I know I'm not the father. I know that I'm not a grandparent and that she isn't part of me DNAwise such as them. I do however, believe I have a little of a right to grieve her. Even though I don't feel as if I have a right to, I believe I do. Because she was a part of me. Not physically. But she was in my heart. God saved a place for her and she's embedded into it forever.

When my heart gets hurt I don't get sad or emotionally bent up. I'll feel nothing for a while and then I get angry. Really angry. I'm at my anger point right now. I know, I know... there is no reason to be angry. I know this. It's just how my emotions are set up. I get mad. You may ask "What can you get mad at in this situation?" I have no idea. I'm just mad. Maybe because she didn't have a chance at life, she didn't have time to feel the emotion of happiness. She didn't even get the chance to smile. The thing I truely want most is to hear her say "wee" like her brother does when I'm playing with him and twirling him around. I know what you are going to say "But Jamie she will never feel the pain or hurt of this sinful world" this I know too. I know it all. It's just how I'm feeling right now. I'm sure it will pass. I'll get over it and get to sketching my rainbows. I'm looking forward to that day.

Right now I just need my time to be angry and my time to cry. To sling things and sit alone. I'm the type of person that doesn't like anyone to be near me when I'm upset. I like to stay by myself. Because I know I might be rude to them and hurt their feelings. Just like I was rude to Trish today at the funeral. She was just acting like herself... the way that we always act around each other and I was just flat out rude. I was upset at first because I couldn't sit beside my Mom. I was being selfish. I should've just left it the way Chad & Nikki wanted it. I know that they read this so I'm going to say sorry now.

The reason I'm so upset right now is that... I honestly never expected her to die. It wasn't in my thought process. It never crossed my mind. I just was determined that she would live. The thought "He'll give you the desires of your heart" keeps running through my mind. He didn't give me mind and that's why I'm upset. He gave Chad, Nikki, Dad, Mom, Alan, Joan, etc... their desires but not mine. Was I just outnumbered? I never had more faith in my life than I had in God showing off and proving Himself Friday October 23, 2009 like He did for Elijah at the altar.

I'm not downing God and I'm not angry with God. Don't think that. I'm just a little down in my faith. I'll pull through.

"Not that I speak in respect of want, but I have learned in whatsoever state I am; therewith to be content" -Philippians 4:11

Lord please help me be like Paul.


chadandnikki said...

It's OK to be angry, and actually that's normal and healthy. So go with it. The "desires of the heart" verse comes from Psalm 37. It's a portion of verse 4. Be sure to read the entire Psalm to make sure to understand the context in which the verse is written. God just doesn't give us the things we want. If He did, I would be holding my baby girl tonight, and not weeping over the heart break of missing her.

In verse 3, David says "Trust in the Lord, and do good". Then and only then will He give us the desires of our hearts, because it's then that our heart's desires line up with the will of God. Then He gives us our hearts desires.

I don't like it when people throw scripture at me when I'm hurting, but I am going to tell you the one that I've held on to today. "The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart." Psalm 34:18. He's with you Jamie. See what special gift He has for you.

Love you bunches.