Saturday, October 31, 2009

Cake Boss in the making

Cake Boss is my hero. Straight up. I'm just saying, Buddy Carlo knows what he's doing. It's amazing. You should check it out:) (TLC Monday @ 10)....
So I have become a cake boss all my own! Oh yes, I went there.
Ain't it cool? I made it for our women's Bible Study tomorrow. Mom iced it, but the rest is me. I iced part of it but was afraid it'd be a total downfall. (Thought I should save icing cakes myself for when the cake is going to stay in home). It's fall time so this calls for PUMPKINS! I was going to go all Buddy on it and make the leaves out of sugar, but hahaa, I'm not that good.

I didn't even know I liked baking until my beautiful friend, Nikki Deal, had the flu, so I made her some yummo Coconut Macaroons & they were amazing. I loved the idea of making something totally myself. (I may or may have not got the recipe for these out of a cross word puzzle).

So I have decided that I'm going to be one.of.those.moms. that bakes cupcakes for every kid's birthday in my kid's class. I'm going to be BAKER MOM! Ha, be ironic if I married a baker. I may or may not make a cape. Just for kicks. Alright, alright. I won't be that nerdy. I promise. However, I will be a baker. I love it!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Somewhat of a breakthrough, but I still got some bad feelings in my heart--

If I'd stop trying to make my will happen and just surrender to God's will, my life'd be much easier.

Keyword: If.

It's going to take some work.

"With God, all things are possible." -Matthew 19:26

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

True Story.

Right now I'm trying to keep myself from indulging in a big piece of red velvet cake that I made from scratch Duncan Hines Red Velvet Cake Mix last night. It was so amazing. However, it's only 12:30 in the afternoon and that is not a good way to jump start my metabolism. I'm not one to like cake so this is a big deal for me.

I think I'm going to find some clothing in this hugo mess in my floor and Mom and I will go out to lunch to "get out and stir" because "I'm in a slump". True Story. You my friends, just learned why I hate doing laundry. Because I hate putting my clothes up, because my mind gets side tracked and I don't put my clothes up and they end up on the floor. If the question "Do you know what's clean and dirty?" Is running through your mind. Why yes, I do know. See the green bag? (Chad & Nikki, I'll return that, I promise:)) That's the divider apparentally. Dirty clothes on the far side, clean on this side. Funny thing is my basket is sitting right there and it's empty.....

Wow, I think I know what's on my agenda for the rest of the day. People think I'm organized till they walk in my room. *evil laugh* Oh how they are fooled.

Monday, October 26, 2009

It's official.

Today was the homecoming of Johanna Raye.

I could tell you all sorts of things about the service but I really don't feel like it. Please don't look down on me, it was an amazing service. Especially Brother Moneyham's sermon on sketching rainbows instead of chasing them. I told God today that I'm not chasing them and I'm not sketching them. I told Him that I will start sketching once I'm over my hurtfulness.

I know I'm not the Mother of Jo and I know I'm not the father. I know that I'm not a grandparent and that she isn't part of me DNAwise such as them. I do however, believe I have a little of a right to grieve her. Even though I don't feel as if I have a right to, I believe I do. Because she was a part of me. Not physically. But she was in my heart. God saved a place for her and she's embedded into it forever.

When my heart gets hurt I don't get sad or emotionally bent up. I'll feel nothing for a while and then I get angry. Really angry. I'm at my anger point right now. I know, I know... there is no reason to be angry. I know this. It's just how my emotions are set up. I get mad. You may ask "What can you get mad at in this situation?" I have no idea. I'm just mad. Maybe because she didn't have a chance at life, she didn't have time to feel the emotion of happiness. She didn't even get the chance to smile. The thing I truely want most is to hear her say "wee" like her brother does when I'm playing with him and twirling him around. I know what you are going to say "But Jamie she will never feel the pain or hurt of this sinful world" this I know too. I know it all. It's just how I'm feeling right now. I'm sure it will pass. I'll get over it and get to sketching my rainbows. I'm looking forward to that day.

Right now I just need my time to be angry and my time to cry. To sling things and sit alone. I'm the type of person that doesn't like anyone to be near me when I'm upset. I like to stay by myself. Because I know I might be rude to them and hurt their feelings. Just like I was rude to Trish today at the funeral. She was just acting like herself... the way that we always act around each other and I was just flat out rude. I was upset at first because I couldn't sit beside my Mom. I was being selfish. I should've just left it the way Chad & Nikki wanted it. I know that they read this so I'm going to say sorry now.

The reason I'm so upset right now is that... I honestly never expected her to die. It wasn't in my thought process. It never crossed my mind. I just was determined that she would live. The thought "He'll give you the desires of your heart" keeps running through my mind. He didn't give me mind and that's why I'm upset. He gave Chad, Nikki, Dad, Mom, Alan, Joan, etc... their desires but not mine. Was I just outnumbered? I never had more faith in my life than I had in God showing off and proving Himself Friday October 23, 2009 like He did for Elijah at the altar.

I'm not downing God and I'm not angry with God. Don't think that. I'm just a little down in my faith. I'll pull through.

"Not that I speak in respect of want, but I have learned in whatsoever state I am; therewith to be content" -Philippians 4:11

Lord please help me be like Paul.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Sweet Jo-Raye.

Johanna came and went today. It was like she was just here for a visit and then she had to go. She had to come see us so we wouldn’t be completely broken hearted. I reckon Jesus had something for her to do. She was probably on a tight schedule or something. The way I see it, I would have done the same thing Jesus did. I would have taken her back to my home too. Just because I’d want her all to myself. Understandable. Completely.

She was so perfect. Three pounds thirteen ounces. Never in my life have I seen ABSOLUTE perfection until I met that angel. She was just perfect. Another thing that is just indescribable. She had these perfect lips. Like a porcelain doll. They look as if they were painted on with the finest brush and paint available. Her little eyebrows were precious. They looked as if they were drawn on with a pencil. She was so small she didn’t even fit into her preemie outfit! It was so cute. Her little foot didn’t even fill up half the bootie part of her pjs. On her feet her second toe was longer than her big toe. On both feet!

She was a beautiful, precious, perfect angel that forever changed my heart and my life and for that I’ll be forever grateful.

I love you Johanna Raye. You’ll always be Jo-Raye in my book. No matter who likes it. Man, we could have done so much together. I was saving my Barbie Dolls for a special little girl like you. All my nail polish and everything. Goodness at the games of “Duck, Duck, Goose” and “Ring Around the Rosie” we would have played with brother. I yearn to twirl you around like I do brother and have you laugh and say “wee” like he does. & to braid your hair. To just see your beautiful eyes look up at me. No worries one day Jesus will come get me too and we can play together for eternity. I love you baby girl. Oh, how I love you so.
Aunt James

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

WARNING: It's lengthy.

We just began our newest Women’s Bible Study at church. I have actually been looking forward to this. I like to get into God’s word and find out what he has for me but I’m not good at just going and doing it. Does that make sense at all? I like to have a scheduled thing that basically makes me take out 30-40 minutes to just sit down with God. Have a talk with God, get in His word, & find out just what he has for me that day.

Yesterday was on Seeking God first. That Jesus is our way & we don’t need a road map. I’m the type of person that when The Lord tells me to do something I say “Who, what, where, when, how, & why, Lord?” Yesterday’s lesson was on saying “what would you have me to do Lord?” It had us read about Abraham in Genesis when God had Abraham take Isaac and sacrifice him. Abraham didn’t ask “who, what, where, when, how, and why” he just simply said “God will provide” when Isaac asked what was to be sacrificed. That took some guts. The lesson taught me that it’s okay not knowing what tomorrow holds and made me look at myself and see if I could just say “Lord, I’ll follow you, you just tell me where to go and what to do” We don’t have to know the specifics at that giving moment. It was just neat to me.

We were also given this paper to fill out. We had to write things like what our goal in life was and our purpose. I had a goal, it was to be a youth leader and Sunday school teacher. My purpose? I have no idea. I have yet to figure it out. I know that I want to do whatever God wants me to do and I want it to bring Him glory. I just don’t yet know what that purpose is. I hope I figure it out soon because my life, as of now, is going nowhere fast.

“Not that I speak in respect of want, but I have learned, whatsoever state I am: therewith to be content” –Philippians 4:11. That was some huge words for Paul to say. He was beaten and imprisoned… and he said “I am content”. I pray that I can be a Paul. Speaking of Bible Characters. That paper also had us write down which one we were most like. Mine was John the Beloved. Not when he was older but while he was young. He was the youngest apostle of Christ. I’m sort of like him in the way that I hang out with a lot of older people at church and things. Such as my Mom, Tonya, Carol, Carolyn, my SILs, my Dad, my brothers. The thing is, I love it. Just for the simple fact that I can learn so much from these people. I gain wisdom and knowledge off of them and I think that’s what John did. Does that make sense or should I just find a new Bible character to resemble?

I believe this is enough random shenanigans for the day. I’ll get at you tomorrow, or whenever I take the notion.

Friday, October 16, 2009

That same hand that holds tomorrow, that same hand is placed in mine:)

I thought I better shoot in here real quick and drop a note or thought or two. I will be staying with my oh so fabulous Sister-in-law, Trisha tonight. Just a girls night that we haven’t had in a while. Well, I suppose once her husband comes in then the girls night will be over… or maybe just starting! Not sure, however, I do know that I will be watching “I Am Sam” tonight, regardless : ) That is such an incredible movie! It’s about this dad that is just so in love with his little girl. However, he is mentally unstable to take care of her. So really, she is taking care of him. It’s just incredible! So go watch it and find out for yourself : )

I also dropped in to tell you, that my good mood has leaked over into day two! I oh so hope this continues. My Lord is just so good and I love Him so much.

My BEAUTIFUL niece, Johanna Raye Carswell will be born in exactly a week from today. We are all so nervous and excited. She was diagnosed with full, head on, straight up, Trisomy 18, otherwise known as Edward’s Syndrome. You’ll have to look it up to get the full story on children like this because I can’t explain it. I’m just not good at it to be honest. So Google it : ) or “gurgle” as my Mom says! She has brought our family together (Carswells & Carrs) in ways that just aren’t imaginable. It’s not that we have grown together physically, I mean we have, however, we have grown together emotionally and spiritually. It’s a big thing. Jo the center of two humongo Christian families. There’s a preacher on every corner of the two and we are all just strong believers in God. I sort of saw her as a test of faith for these two families to see how good of Christians we think we are. Let me tell you, it worked on me. At first I was angry and hurt and wanted to know why God would hurt someone He apparentaly loved so much. I just didn’t understand. At camp one night I was fighting this battle and I didn’t want anyone to know. Because, what right have I? I didn’t have to carry this baby, and I wasn’t the father of this baby. However, at camp it felt like my heart was going to burst if I didn’t share this… despair (for lack of a better word) with the girls. So I did, and we prayed so hard. The second night I went through this again, I was just so angry because I had to watch people I love so much, hurt so bad. When I mean, love, I mean I LOVE my family. After God, there they are in my life. When I love, I love with all I have. There is a beautiful lady in our church named Rachel… she said, “Jamie, honey, are you scared that your will and God’s will aren’t going to line up?” Once she said that I felt every bit of my anger and everything go away. That was EXACTLY what I was feeling. I was scared, angry, and hurt to be in this situation. To not know what was going to happen. That night I found the biggest peace in any situation I have ever found. I just knew it would be okay. Not perfect, or the way we planned, but okay. My Dad said an amazing thing when he preached the other week and the sermon was on “A God who can!” This is what he said, “I serve one who can reach down and touch Johanna, I serve one who can reach down and touch all the sick, I serve one who can reach down and prick the hart of a lost man, I serve a God who can.” How true is that? We LIMIT God so much. As the song “Test of Time” says, “That same hand that holds tomorrow, that same hand is placed in mine.” Ya’ll I learned so much through this. Not to limit God. He can do it WITHOUT our help. I just love him so much.

Right now we don’t know what is in store for us. That slightly scares me. I like to know things. I love surprises but not when they make me this nervous. All I know is she has blessed our homes, our friends, our families, our churches, and our hearts. & I love her so much!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Outgoing Confidence.

I have been reading this absolutely AMAZING book called “The Truth About Guys” by Chad Eastham. When a young girl picked it up she would honestly think that “oh if I read this than I can get a guy. But that’s not it at all! It teaches you how to value yourself so others can to. How awesome is that? He said a couple quotes that stuck out to me that I just want to share with you : ) One was “Trust what God’s word says about you even when you feel bad about yourself.” & it gave scripture that reads: “I will praise the; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are they works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” Psalms 139:14. How true is that. He also gave another quote that says “when you insult yourself you are insulting God.” Which I never thought about but shed a whole new light on the situation for me! It’s like Callie drawing me a picture and me telling her it was ugly. Do you know how horrible that would be of me? Andrew used to do it to me and Mom said that I would cry. It all makes sense though. I have been praying that God would shed some more confidence in me and to let me be more outgoing and it has helped.

I actually really want to teach this as a Bible study for girls from 6th grade up. However, I think I may wait until Callie is around 11/12 that way I would have around 10 girls in my class. Because right now I would have a total of 2. Of course God can work through 2 just as good as 10 but still. I’m just so excited! I have been writing lessons for it! I think it may be good. I’m just going to wait till God says “teach”. By writing lessons, I’m just getting prepared for that time : )

Tonight Trish, Michelle, Maci, & I all went to Abele’s and there was this girl in line that was about 18-19 and she was pregnant. Well they were waiting on lettuce and I already had mine so this man let me pass them. I asked “when are you due?” and she said “I’m having a C-Section tomorrow” & I said “oh that is so awesome, is it a boy or girl?” and she replied “boy” and I said “have you thought of any names yet?” and she said “yeah Colton” then I told her that I liked that name and she said “thanks.” It was that easy to just talk to someone and be nice. I have no idea why I am so shy.

Then there was this family that was sitting like diagonal from us and this one boy at the table had been looking at me and I mean I don’t mind because I was looking at him too. && what made me excited is that he wasn’t all that ugly at all. He was cute. Wranglers, boots, hat… You know, my style : ) Well Trish starts giggling and I was like “what is wrong with you?” She wouldn’t tell me because she didn’t want me to be “paranoid” I was like “You are going to whisper it to Michelle and not tell me” so she told me. This kid was staring at me. Not stalkerish, just looking. I sat there and was like “I have been reading this book and I’m going to pretend I’m beautiful” and Michelle said “You are!” It made me feel so good about myself that an attractive guy was looking at me! That doesn’t happen very often. Maybe Chad Eastham is right. “When you start to appreciate yourself and value YOU then guys will like you” How true?

In all honesty, guys just don’t look at me. I have this whole new attitude on how I look. Yeah, yeah, I still want to lose weight because it will help build that confidence that I want in myself but this kid was attractive. That’s what got me! I’m heavy. I really am. I’m not going to hide it and try to lie about it. I’m not going to pretend I’m skinny. I mean for all I know this kid could have been making fun of me, I don’t know. But I don’t think he was. Normally when someone is making fun of you they are looking at you laughing. But he was just generally looking at me. I looked at him once and he even smiled at me and I smiled back. It was really neat. Who knows? I might have been looking at my future husband. Hahahahahaha, if it was, we will meet again. He didn’t have blue eyes though. But it’s okay! God gives us what we need, not always what we want. Which is perfectly fine with me! However, God’s word says that he will give me the desires of my heart. God knows that I want to look into blue eyes forever. However, I have a feeling they might just be brown.

It was just so weird. I can’t explain it. I don’t mean to keep talking about it but I felt really good about myself for the time that we were there. This attractive guy, my style (country boy, wranglers, hat, boots, tall, slim….) was looking at ME! I just felt really great, and still do. Forgive me! Hahaha. I hope I can feel like I do today, everyday of my life : )

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I have a story to tell...

One day a father went to his son and said "Son, I Love you. My servants, as they call themselves, are just so rude. I give them everything they need yet they yearn for more. But I love them." The son said "I understand, Father." The father said "Son, I just want them to know how much I love them." The son replied "Father, I'll go" The father said "Son you are the very best I have to offer" The son said "I'll go"

"I'll go and teach. I'll tell everyone how much you love them. I'll do wonderful works. I'll do everything you say to do. When I"m around 33.... I'll let them arrest me. I'll let them take me before a king and I'll take a man named Barabbas's place. A murderer. Because I love him."

"I'll let them take a cat of nine tails and beat me. I'll let them tear my flesh off with it and expose my insides. && I'll let them beat me to where my mother can't even recognize me. I'll let them put this purple robe around me, while I'm yet bleeding, then when my wounds are good and dry, I'll let them rip it back off so I can bleed again. I'll even let them pluck my beard from my face. Because, I love them."

"I'll let them, make me, carry a cross miles away to a lonely hill called Golgotha. I'll let them beat me on the way." The son said "When I make it to the top and they lay the cross down...." He opened his arms wide and put his heels together and continued... "I'll willingly lay down on it and stretch my arms as far as they'll go. I'll let them put a spike in my feet. I'll let them put two in my hands. One in each. So my arms will be stretched from east to west. Because, I love them this much"

The son put his arms back down and said, "I'll let them put a crown of thorns on my head. I'll let them hang a sign above my head that reads KING OF JEWS."

"I'll let them give me vinegar to drink, when I am thirsty for water"

"Then I'll let them put a sword in my side to make sure I am dead"

"But Father..." The son said looking up at the father, "Forgive them, because they don't know what they are doing."

"I'll let them prepare my body, and lay it in a tomb. I'll let them put the heaviest boulder they can find over it. I'll even let them leave me there.

"But Father, on the third day, I'll get up. I'll take those grave clothes off, fold them up so they know I'll be back, roll that stone away, and come back to you. && someday, Father, when you say the word I'll go back and call our children home."

"Because, I Love them!"


Hope you enjoy!

Friday, October 9, 2009

And the Award goes to...

And the award goes to....
ME!! Auntie James:)
(& a hundred other bloggers:))
This award does come with a few rules;
1. Answer the survey can only use one word answers!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!OK now Let the FUN begin
1. Where is your cell phone? Nada.
2. Your hair? Laughter.
3. Your mother? Somewhere.
4. Your father? Bonanza.
5. Your favorite food? Cheese sticks (for now)
6. Your dream last night? Strange.
7. Your favorite drink? Good sweettea.
8. Your dream/goal? To do something w/ myself.
9. What room are you in? Bedroom.
10. Your hobby? Internet.
11. Your Fear? Darkness, horses, big trucks.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Doing something w/ myself.
13. Where were you last night? Home.
14. Something that you aren’t? Skinny.
15. Muffins? No thanks, unless it's blueberry.
16. Wish list item? Truck.
17. Where did you grow up? North Cacalackie.
18. Last thing you did? Facebook.
19. What are you wearing? Robbinsville T-shirt:), jeans, & Justin boots.
20. Your TV? Small.
21. Your pets? Baby.
22. Friends? Pretty cool.
23. Your life? Blessed.
24. Your mood? Missing out.
5. Missing someone? Dalton & Alyssa:( & Clayton just cause he ain't here.
26. Vehicle? Nada.
27. Something you’re not wearing? Makeup.
28. Your favorite store? Uh...?
29. Your favorite color? Darkpurple.
30. When was the last time you laughed? Wednesday.
31. Last time you cried? Lastnight.
32. Your best friend? Jesus.
33. One place that I go to over and over? I'm w/ Nikki on that. Bathroom.
34. One person who emails me regularly? Facebook.
35. Favorite place to eat? Shoney's Abele's.
Ohkay some are more than one word. Who cares?
I have nobody to tag... Uhh...
I believe that's all I got.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Slumpy & Slightly Grumpy

I have no update for today. I'm just here. Sortah stuck. Not feeling my life today. I mean don't get me wrong God has blessed me with a beautiful day outside. But inside my heart it isn't so beautiful. You know the saying in the Bible "out of the mouth speaks the abundance of the heart?" So true. Same for you thoughts too. Whatever you think up there in your land is what's going on down under in your heart. & mine isn't the best in the world. It's cobwebs and toils up there. Not sure really what's going on. I just need to get busy I suppose. It's like the Devil is putting junk up there & then God is fighting it away. Does that make sense? I just want the bad stuff to stay away and not come near me, ya know? I want God to consume me and me think of nothing but Him & what He wants. Ya get me?

Oh & Congrats Holly from All Things In Moddy on your pregnancy!!!
&& To Nikki from Chad and Nikki on Jo-Raye being here in just 15 days!!!

I think I'm going to go open the screen door and look outside for a bit.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Concert at the City of Morganton

Here in big ol' Mo'town we have a place called "City of Morganton", it's where you go to pay your light bill & such... well, well, well.... We went through the drive thru.

& I was cracking jokes all day long. Just one of those days where I was in a fantastic mood. Welp, I was singing belting "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette & my Mom simply explained to me that they could more than likely hear me inside, through the intercome. I didn't care. I said "let me do my big finish" & here goes "stand by YOURRR MANN!!" Well, as I finish & Trish was rolling with laughter & my Mom was still saying "Jamie, shut up!" Hahahaha, & the woman inside says "What beautiful singing! You have a whole audience in here applauding you!" Hahahahahahahahaha! How embarrassing.

But hey, my everyday goal is to make someone I don't even know, laugh:)
Today my friend, that was accomplished.

On a latter note I won't be here this weekend. I'm going to the even bigger ROBBINSVILLE, NC! I'm so excited!!! Hahaha, I get to see Pawpaw Daniel. It's for old timers day. So we get to dress like Laura Ingalls. & YES, my friends, I have an outfit. Wanna see?

Front (why yes I'm fat:))

Back (Why yes, I'm still fat:))

I love it.. Plus my Mom made it for me:) So very special.

I also made my first ever Coconut Macaroons:) I've never even ate them much less made them. I made them sugar-free, just for Dad:)! They were real good too. Next on my list to bake, Banana Bread. I must purchase Banana's first. I'm going to be the next Paula Deen:)

I'll post pictures from Robbinsville ASAP!! I'm off!