My last post was in February! How do we let time go by us so quickly? So much has changed in 3 months...
I'm still on my weight loss journey! In February I weighed in at 257. 3 months later I am weighing at 242. Not a lot to some, but I big accomplishment for me.
I've also gotten a job and that has helped me out ALOT.
My ex and I? I rather not see him on a daily basis. I never knew someone could cause me so much hurt and do the things I feel he has done towards me, because I would NEVER do those things. And, he wants to act like everything is okay. Well guess what, it's not!
Holding on to Jesus. That's all I know to do.
This is my best friend of 8 years? Since 7th grade. We are getting our own place together and we are so excited!! She just had gastric bypass surgery and I'm so happy for her. She struggles with self image even worse than I do. She's a big inspiration to my weight loss journey! Not only will I be pissed if she looks all sexy at 160 and I'm still her in the 240s... but, I want her to see that she isn't alone and that she always has me, through thick and thin (literally). Because, she has always shown me that! So, me and her got this. Even though she has a jump start and will be doing it a lot faster than me we can still do it. Together!
It's something I have struggled with my WHOLE life. And, starting tomorrow, I will not let it control me anymore. My mom bought me this book for Christmas called the P.I.N.K. Method. I was at it for almost a month and lost nothing but 15 lbs... so I'm going to take this into my hands and do it MY way because, I've done that before and I lost almost 40 lbs.
James and I are no longer together. I know, it seems strange to me too. two weeks ago I was talking about how much I wanted to get married, how much I love him, and all the juicy wedding plans. I've sat and contemplated as well how one day someone can be my world and next we are fighting and not right for each other.
I do not know the purpose of God's plan in my life. But, I'm going to follow him straight through it. Although a little nervous, I'm going to follow him because he has never left me before. He has always prevailed. I'm not going to let fear conquer me anymore.
This is James and I on my 20th birthday last year. We had been dating a week. He met my friends and I at the local flea market that morning and he remembered me telling him that I wanted a purple truck when I was a little girl and he ga
ve me a purple play truck. After the flea market, his best friend, Evan, met us there and we went to a restraunt called Silver Creek. In the parking lot of Silver Creek he presented me with the necklace I am wearing in that picture. I'm sure that doesn't sound like the most romantic thing that you have ever heard but it meant so much to me. It was the first present a boy had ever given me. I wear it all the time to this day. This picture is also still on the dashboard of his car.
We had a child:) JUST KIDDING! this is Farrah Banera. She is the sweetest most cutest baby (she is also about to have some babies, so if you want one... most def let me know!) He was getting an apartment and wanted a puppy. So, we got Farrah. Farrah has spent very many hours and days spent cuddling with James and I<3 I'm going to miss that, but I still get to see Farrah! I haven't ever cared about a dog like I do her. Don't judge me;)
Meet my best friend, James. He has the prettiest blue eyes, huh? He means the absolute world to me. I tell him everything and he will always hold my heart in a way that's unknown. Any man that may walk into my life will have to accept that this is my best friend and that I will spend time with him. Otherwise, they can't be part of me. I love him. In love? I think so, maybe... But, we are best friends. Always. He proclaims he is still going to text me every morning and say "good morning, beautiful" --- this works for us. We would spend time together anyways because we go to church together and everything, and this just works. My mom doesn't agree with it because she thinks it's going to be impossible. Maybe one day we will work out together. Someday, in time, maybe he can take my ring and propose to me in a really sweet way (again) and everything will be in place. In time, in GOD's time. But, for now, every decision was mutual. We prayed and we talked. Everything is going to be absolutely A-OK.
Here's a little "No Need to Doubt Him Now"
Monday, February 20, 2012
My blog is a mess, I PROMISE it's a work in progress!!
Tonight, I am staying the night at my brother's house (Andrew). Him and Trisha (SIL/ maid of honor/ bff... you get it) are snug in their bed with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. Well, Andrew's is more like a 15 point buck from 30 yards and there's no telling what Trisha's could be...
Anyhoodle, I'm wide awake. Which isn't odd for me when I'm not at home. I always stay up at people's houses, I guess just because it's not my bed and my noises that I sleep with at night. And, of course, along with being wide awake at half passed midnight are thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts in my head. And, although I have a journal with me they are coming to me so fast, I feel I have no choice than to type them... rather than jot them down.
If they'll even make sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.
Today James said something to me that has stuck in my head all day and hurts me to the very core of my soul... "no matter what happens between us, I'm going to be your best friend and I'm going to be there for you no matter what" and then I said, with tears in my eyes "what if I end up marrying someone else?" and he said "I will be there, front row, supporting you, and loving you"
What if he's not who I marry? Because, five days ago... my world REVOLVED around him, and then just like that everything has changed.
I know I'm doing what God told me to do and I'm having a hard time with it because this is the FIRST time I have EVER let God have COMPLETE reign in my life and it freaks me out because I have NO control WHATSOEVER (like I had control to begin with)... but why does it have to hurt so much? Why do I find myself praying everyday (almost all day, in the back of my mind) that he would take the hurt away? Why do I repeatedly find myself at the altar at church giving it up to him and asking him to put my feelings where they are suppose to be?
This is honestly the hardest thing that I have ever been through in my life.
Last night, James and I were talking about "the situation" and I said "does it not bother you that we aren't together?" and he said "yeah, it bothers me" and I said "aren't you going to do anything about it?" and he said "I'm still processing everything and sorting everything out. You had a month to pray about it, I got hit with it all in one day"
AGAIN with the questions!
-Shouldn't he be fighting for me?
-Does he not care?
-This sounds NOTHING like MY James?
-Was this on his mind too?
-God, will you PLEASE put my feelings where they are suppose to be?
My posts are so scatterbrained lately, but I promise that one day they will be organized. My whole life is scatterbrained. James and I were in Subway, Wednesday night (yes, we still spend just about the same amount of time together and we SUCK at being friends) and all the girl asked me was what kind of bread I wanted and what kind of veggies... I couldn't think of what to tell her. I'm in this daze... I explained it to James as if I'm in a hole and I'm trying so hard to hold onto him so I don't fall in but he's not holding on to me.
He acts like this is so easy...
And, he's still keeping things from me. He said he wanted to make this work but he's doing everything wrong. He wonders WHY I don't trust him.
:(
Him and I have went through a lot together in the 10 months that we've been together and I am ALWAYS telling him to find his blessing. So, in the midst of this trial I have found myself grasping small things to bring me joy. Example: How excited I got today when I found out Cookout has banana pudding milkshakes.
Never take love for granted. It's the greatest joy I've ever known and the saddest sorrow I've ever felt. But, most the little blessings in it all make it all worth while. I know God has a plan for my life and it's going to unfold. He's starting to show me what he wants me to do and I'm going to have big decisions to make and I've started choosing what he wants now... I can't stop here.
Can't wait til one day I'm going to wake up and it's going to be a REALLY, TRULY, amazing day.
I am dreading it (but thanking God for it)... having to go clean this house in a few minutes. I just don't feel like doing or going anywhere. But, while I was getting dressed I wanted to get something off my chest...
I feel like I'm in a grieving stage. I feel like someone has died or something. I feel ashamed... I'm not regretting the decisions that I have come to in my relationship with James but I feel ashamed because I never thought that I would be that girl. The one that was engaged before. I feel that sometimes that makes you look like you have a bad reputation once you meet someone later.
I always thought I'd be the girl who KNEW that it was HIM and that we were going to get married and nothing could ever tear us apart... (I'm telling you guys The Notebook is real).
James has been engaged before, because James doesn't want to be alone. I know he loves me and I'm trying to give him that chance to "man up", if you will.
I have a thousand thoughts running through my head right now and I'm not sure how I would write them out in a paragraph or even a sentence. So, I will just make you a list.
Ashamed. Manipulated. Not trust worthy
(towards people, not myself). Alone. Uncertain. Scared. Sad. Blessed.
I have a wall up today. I know where it came from, but I don't like it. I have a wall up towards everyone today. I know God would not want me to have a wall up but rather choose joy.
I'm trying, I really am. But, after yesterday I feel like James is off to a bad start. I feel like I am worth fighting for and he seems to act like it's no big deal because he had done it once before. I don't want to cut him off completely, but am I going to have to do that to make him see that I am SERIOUS?! I want someone to lead a household. I want someone that treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm not saying that he doesn't treat me right... he is a sweet heart and he has a good heart and he tries but he has NOT had the best role models in his life.
I feel like people should be the same from the day you meet them and love them until the day you never see them again. I have been that to him and he hasn't been that to me.
I don't trust him. I love him, but I just don't know what God is trying to do in my life right now.
Everyone keeps telling me that they were worried that we were rushing into it to begin with and they are so proud that I began to seek God's direction with this and figured it out for myself before I made a plunge and got married. They say what I did was mature.
I don't feel mature or worth being proud of. Maybe, I'm just sad.
I want to thank God for Jennifer Cutchens. She is such an amazing woman. Her, her husband, and her children. She may be the realist friend I've ever known. I thank her for coming to me and giving me the advice that I needed to hear. And, I thank her for supporting me.
In times like these you figure out who really loves you.
Okay, so for some reason... I couldn't figure ANYTHING out when I tried to make my new blog. I thought I was good on computers, oh well... over confidence will mess you up every time in ANY situation in life. So, I am HERE TO STAY (modifications to the blog coming soon. Including: new layout, theme, and name:))
Before I start on what this blog is REALLY about. Let me just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most precious little boy that has ever made my heart strings go "zing, zing, zing" (Judy Garland). Happy Birthday, Clayton Avery Carswell. He's 4 today and the best thing I've ever met. I'm so proud of the little boy that he is. And, I'm proud of my brother and SIL for raising him to be what he is this far. Today, Pawpaw and I took him to the science center for the Pre-K bus he rides. He didn't like the dinosaur exhibit because "the dinosaurs were kindah angry." Then Mawmaw had him a surprise party when he got home! (wish I had captured pictures of all this but, I'm so scatterbrained lately... you are soon to learn why!)
Happy Birthday Beautiful. Love, Aunt Jamie.
(Picture stolen from Chad and Nikki)
This year is the first year I have ever had a "real" boyfriend on Valentine's Day. The first time I've ever had a "fiance'" (hate that word) on Valentine's day. Also, the first Valentine's Day James and I have ever had together... AND the WORST Valentine's Day I have EVER had my WHOLE life of being single. (I haven't been single my whole life, just on V-Day).
Listen guys, I'm heart broken. God has put his spatula in my mixing bowl of life and stirred it all up. Right when I thought I had the perfect ingredient of EVERYTHING. He showed me that sometimes things aren't the way they seem and you have to do what's best for you and MOST IMPORTANTLY you have to follow him when it seems like the worse possible thing to do. As I was struggling with some decisions I had to make (unfortunately they landed on Valentine's Day) I looked back on my life thus far and realized God hasn't failed me yet.
At this point, I love James and I want to marry him but right now God showed me that that's not what I need to do. James hasn't really found who he is. And, without knowing who he is he's never going to be able to confidentially take care of a wife and most importantly (someday) a family.
I believe that God called men and women to play certain roles in this thing we call life. Men are to lead and women to follow (not in a overly submissive way... in a Godly way) the man is to be the head. And, I want a man that can lead a family and lead them towards God. I can't follow when I'm the one leading.
And nobody is going to have fun in a relationship where the wife/ girlfriend is playing the role of their Mom. That job was taken by someone in his life 24 years ago and I do not want it handed down to me.
I believe in a certain type of love. Like, "The Notebook". Call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, because someone else wrote about it and many people on this earth have experienced it. I'm not going to settle for less when I know it's out there. Whether God has it be James or some other man, I'm not quiet sure. But, I know it's real and I know it's there and I'm not going to give up until I find it out there somewhere.
As for James and I. We are apart, together. Make sense? I didn't think so... but right now it's working for us (I guess). We are best friends right now and going slow. This Friday will be our "first date"... we should have taken it this slow from the beginning. Maybe we wouldn't be in this situation. I think we aren't in love, we are in infatuation (Chip Ingram).
We have a lot to work on. He has a lot of maturing to do. And, I personally don't think I'm ready to "settle down". I know all I've ever wanted to be is a mother and a wife and I do... I want to take care of someone for the rest of my life... God has shown me the kind of man I deserve and want and if James loves me enough, I believe that he will allow God to change him and if he doesn't... It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I will have to let him go.
I haven't cried this much in a really long time but, I know that I can make it. God told me so. He said He'd always be by my side. And, He's always holding my hand. All I know is right now, I NEED HIM TO LOVE ME.
I will sing songs in the night.
Friday, February 10, 2012
I'm going to make a new blog. Yes, I love this one a lot and I've had wonderful memories written down, and rants when I'm angry and prayers (true and fake) to a very gracious and worthy God. But, I want something fresh. I'm about to get married and I'm going to make a place for James and I's life to go... and so on and so forth!! I'm excited to start something fresh.
Here goes hours of perfecting a blog layout. It always takes me so long!! OCD!
As I normally write a prayer to God, I haven't been here in so long. I pray to God everyday. I feel that when I first started the "I Get On My Knees" thing... it was my justification of prayer. Prayer is something sacred and intimate between you and God and putting it out there for the world to see was my way of being a hypocrite. In a way... Not saying that what I have written wasn't genuine (because it was) but, that was the ONLY prayer I said all day. Whenever I posted, that was my prayer for the day, the week, sometimes even the month.
So, here I am... just blogging. I'm not going to probably be here a lot because I have a Tumblr. But, I will once in a while. Because, I have gained quite a few followers while I have been away and I don't want their click of follow button to be in vain.
So, to catch up...
My last post (or prayer) was about a lady in our church losing the love of her life to a two year battle with cancer. It was heart breaking... I was scared to ever fall in love or be with anyone. But, little did I know a couple months later God would send someone into my life that I fell hopelessly in love with and we are getting married in June. I'm so excited and int he midst of plans everything is coming together. All I need now is a REAL job. Something that brings in more than 40 dollars a week!
Anyhoodle, he is amazing. Everything about him:) everything. At the moment we are going through marriage counseling with my brother (who is going to be the preacher doing the wedding) and he is getting us to write a paper (that I need to get started on) and making a list. 10 goals that I (and he) want to accomplish as individuals in our marriage and 10 goals that we want to accomplish together.
James and I have also decided to do the love dare. We don't have any problems in our relationship at all. We are normal and fuss (and when I say fuss I mean me more than him... he's so humble, bless him) over silly stuff. But, when we first started dating we were both Christians. I had just got my heart broken and was scared to date someone and I was trying to live for the Lord and he was a 'Sunday morning Christian' that ended up getting saved at a revival that we went to in April (sadly I broke up with him that night, but obviously we are doing awesome now!) Anyways, when we started out we mainly had our focus on God. However, we just kept going and got our eyes of God a bit. We didn't do anything bad, we just became comfortable, if you will. And, we are now (after watching Corageous) wanting to live for God and be the best husband and wife we can be to each other. I can't wait to start our lives together so we can glorify God together. I even left him a little note the other day that said "O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together" ~Pslam34:3
It's not about us, it's about him and what WE can do for HIM. So, the love dare it is:) Just so we can get closer to God in our individual lives and while in the midst of that, we will become closer than ever to each other.
Someday, I'm going to obtain every dream I have ever dreamed. God didn't give me those dreams for no reason, and this is the journey to discover those dreams! And to Find Blessings along the way!
"For where you treasure is, there will your heart be also" ~Matthew6:21
