Monday, February 20, 2012

Find Your Blessing

Tonight, I am staying the night at my brother's house (Andrew). Him and Trisha (SIL/ maid of honor/ bff... you get it) are snug in their bed with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. Well, Andrew's is more like a 15 point buck from 30 yards and there's no telling what Trisha's could be...

Anyhoodle, I'm wide awake. Which isn't odd for me when I'm not at home. I always stay up at people's houses, I guess just because it's not my bed and my noises that I sleep with at night. And, of course, along with being wide awake at half passed midnight are thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts in my head. And, although I have a journal with me they are coming to me so fast, I feel I have no choice than to type them... rather than jot them down.

If they'll even make sense.
Nothing makes sense anymore.

Today James said something to me that has stuck in my head all day and hurts me to the very core of my soul... "no matter what happens between us, I'm going to be your best friend and I'm going to be there for you no matter what" and then I said, with tears in my eyes "what if I end up marrying someone else?" and he said "I will be there, front row, supporting you, and loving you"

What if he's not who I marry? Because, five days ago... my world REVOLVED around him, and then just like that everything has changed.

I know I'm doing what God told me to do and I'm having a hard time with it because this is the FIRST time I have EVER let God have COMPLETE reign in my life and it freaks me out because I have NO control WHATSOEVER (like I had control to begin with)... but why does it have to hurt so much? Why do I find myself praying everyday (almost all day, in the back of my mind) that he would take the hurt away? Why do I repeatedly find myself at the altar at church giving it up to him and asking him to put my feelings where they are suppose to be?

This is honestly the hardest thing that I have ever been through in my life.

Last night, James and I were talking about "the situation" and I said "does it not bother you that we aren't together?" and he said "yeah, it bothers me" and I said "aren't you going to do anything about it?" and he said "I'm still processing everything and sorting everything out. You had a month to pray about it, I got hit with it all in one day"

AGAIN with the questions!
-Shouldn't he be fighting for me?
-Does he not care?
-This sounds NOTHING like MY James?
-Was this on his mind too?
-God, will you PLEASE put my feelings where they are suppose to be?

My posts are so scatterbrained lately, but I promise that one day they will be organized. My whole life is scatterbrained. James and I were in Subway, Wednesday night (yes, we still spend just about the same amount of time together and we SUCK at being friends) and all the girl asked me was what kind of bread I wanted and what kind of veggies... I couldn't think of what to tell her. I'm in this daze... I explained it to James as if I'm in a hole and I'm trying so hard to hold onto him so I don't fall in but he's not holding on to me.

He acts like this is so easy...

And, he's still keeping things from me. He said he wanted to make this work but he's doing everything wrong. He wonders WHY I don't trust him.


Him and I have went through a lot together in the 10 months that we've been together and I am ALWAYS telling him to find his blessing. So, in the midst of this trial I have found myself grasping small things to bring me joy. Example: How excited I got today when I found out Cookout has banana pudding milkshakes.

Never take love for granted. It's the greatest joy I've ever known and the saddest sorrow I've ever felt. But, most the little blessings in it all make it all worth while. I know God has a plan for my life and it's going to unfold. He's starting to show me what he wants me to do and I'm going to have big decisions to make and I've started choosing what he wants now... I can't stop here.

Can't wait til one day I'm going to wake up and it's going to be a REALLY, TRULY, amazing day.