Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Here to Stay/ Red's Birthday/ Valentine's Day

Okay, so for some reason... I couldn't figure ANYTHING out when I tried to make my new blog. I thought I was good on computers, oh well... over confidence will mess you up every time in ANY situation in life. So, I am HERE TO STAY (modifications to the blog coming soon. Including: new layout, theme, and name:))

Before I start on what this blog is REALLY about. Let me just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most precious little boy that has ever made my heart strings go "zing, zing, zing" (Judy Garland). Happy Birthday, Clayton Avery Carswell. He's 4 today and the best thing I've ever met. I'm so proud of the little boy that he is. And, I'm proud of my brother and SIL for raising him to be what he is this far. Today, Pawpaw and I took him to the science center for the Pre-K bus he rides. He didn't like the dinosaur exhibit because "the dinosaurs were kindah angry." Then Mawmaw had him a surprise party when he got home! (wish I had captured pictures of all this but, I'm so scatterbrained lately... you are soon to learn why!)

Happy Birthday Beautiful. Love, Aunt Jamie.

(Picture stolen from Chad and Nikki)

This year is the first year I have ever had a "real" boyfriend on Valentine's Day. The first time I've ever had a "fiance'" (hate that word) on Valentine's day. Also, the first Valentine's Day James and I have ever had together... AND the WORST Valentine's Day I have EVER had my WHOLE life of being single. (I haven't been single my whole life, just on V-Day).

Listen guys, I'm heart broken. God has put his spatula in my mixing bowl of life and stirred it all up. Right when I thought I had the perfect ingredient of EVERYTHING. He showed me that sometimes things aren't the way they seem and you have to do what's best for you and MOST IMPORTANTLY you have to follow him when it seems like the worse possible thing to do. As I was struggling with some decisions I had to make (unfortunately they landed on Valentine's Day) I looked back on my life thus far and realized God hasn't failed me yet.

At this point, I love James and I want to marry him but right now God showed me that that's not what I need to do. James hasn't really found who he is. And, without knowing who he is he's never going to be able to confidentially take care of a wife and most importantly (someday) a family.

I believe that God called men and women to play certain roles in this thing we call life. Men are to lead and women to follow (not in a overly submissive way... in a Godly way) the man is to be the head. And, I want a man that can lead a family and lead them towards God. I can't follow when I'm the one leading.

And nobody is going to have fun in a relationship where the wife/ girlfriend is playing the role of their Mom. That job was taken by someone in his life 24 years ago and I do not want it handed down to me.

I believe in a certain type of love. Like, "The Notebook". Call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, because someone else wrote about it and many people on this earth have experienced it. I'm not going to settle for less when I know it's out there. Whether God has it be James or some other man, I'm not quiet sure. But, I know it's real and I know it's there and I'm not going to give up until I find it out there somewhere.

As for James and I. We are apart, together. Make sense? I didn't think so... but right now it's working for us (I guess). We are best friends right now and going slow. This Friday will be our "first date"... we should have taken it this slow from the beginning. Maybe we wouldn't be in this situation. I think we aren't in love, we are in infatuation (Chip Ingram).

We have a lot to work on. He has a lot of maturing to do. And, I personally don't think I'm ready to "settle down". I know all I've ever wanted to be is a mother and a wife and I do... I want to take care of someone for the rest of my life... God has shown me the kind of man I deserve and want and if James loves me enough, I believe that he will allow God to change him and if he doesn't... It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I will have to let him go.

I haven't cried this much in a really long time but, I know that I can make it. God told me so. He said He'd always be by my side. And, He's always holding my hand. All I know is right now, I NEED HIM TO LOVE ME.

I will sing songs in the night.


Amber McCarthy said...

I cant imagine how hard that decision could ever be. I admire how strong you are and how you didnt just settle you saw a problem and instead of sweeping things under the rug you're dealing with them head on one of the hardest things to do. I will be the first to admit that I rushed into marriage, marriage is hard no matter what but when you rush into things you deal with a lot more obstacles and it is very draining both emotionally and physically. I am proud of you and will be praying for both you and James and I hope things work out and you get your notebook love ;) Stay strong and if you need anyone just know I am here for you..I dont say that enough or make it known nearly enough but I hope that you do know that I am here for you in anything that you need even if it's a judge free ear or a shoulder ;) Love you girly!

Jamie Lynn said...

Thanks Amber, I love you too<3