Thursday, February 16, 2012

That Girl

I am dreading it (but thanking God for it)... having to go clean this house in a few minutes. I just don't feel like doing or going anywhere. But, while I was getting dressed I wanted to get something off my chest...

I feel like I'm in a grieving stage. I feel like someone has died or something. I feel ashamed... I'm not regretting the decisions that I have come to in my relationship with James but I feel ashamed because I never thought that I would be that girl. The one that was engaged before. I feel that sometimes that makes you look like you have a bad reputation once you meet someone later.

I always thought I'd be the girl who KNEW that it was HIM and that we were going to get married and nothing could ever tear us apart... (
I'm telling you guys The Notebook is real).

James has been engaged before, because James doesn't want to be alone. I know he loves me and I'm trying to give him that chance to "
man up", if you will.

I have a thousand thoughts running through my head right now and I'm not sure how I would write them out in a paragraph or even a sentence. So, I will just make you a list.

Not trust worthy
(towards people, not myself).

I have a wall up today. I know where it came from, but I don't like it. I have a wall up towards everyone today. I know God would not want me to have a wall up but rather choose joy.

I'm trying, I really am. But, after yesterday I feel like James is off to a bad start. I feel like I am worth fighting for and he seems to act like it's no big deal because he had done it once before. I don't want to cut him off completely, but am I going to have to do that to make him see that I am SERIOUS?! I want someone to lead a household. I want someone that treats me the way I
deserve to be treated. I'm not saying that he doesn't treat me right... he is a sweet heart and he has a good heart and he tries but he has NOT had the best role models in his life.

I feel like people should be the same from the day you meet them and love them until the day you never see them again. I have been that to him and he hasn't been that to me.

I don't trust him.
I love him, but I just don't know what God is trying to do in my life right now.

Everyone keeps telling me that they were worried that we were rushing into it to begin with and they are so proud that I began to seek God's direction with this and figured it out for myself before I made a plunge and got married. They say what I did was mature.

I don't feel mature or worth being proud of. Maybe, I'm just sad.

I want to thank God for Jennifer Cutchens. She is such an amazing woman. Her, her husband, and her children. She may be the realist friend I've ever known. I thank her for coming to me and giving me the advice that I needed to hear. And, I thank her for supporting me.

In times like these you figure out who really loves you.

Holding onto this song today.