Friday, July 9, 2010

As truthful as I can get.

Since October of last year, I have went through a lot.

It started on October 23, 2oo9 with the loss of my niece, Johanna Raye Carswell.


I've said it before, I am not her mom or her dad. I didn't give birth to her and I'm sure my love doesn't compare to theirs at all, but like many others.. I was hurt and disappointed by her death. 63 minutes is a short time to live. I had a lot of anger and things towards God. I didn't pray and I didn't care. I fought this for about ... two months? Till December.

My December.


When I was to the point to where I couldn't take anymore and I couldn't handle it. When I thought I couldn't go on. Because, I wanted God but I was scared that my stubbornness had messed it up forever. God sent him into my life.

I remember the night he said "I don't know what God wants for us, but here's what we can do. Tonight, when we go to bed, you pray for what God wants and I will pray for what God wants." All I said was "okay." I planned to pray, even though I couldn't feel God, I knew He was there.

That night when I laid down, I planned to pray for him and I. So, I did.. and as soon as I started praying, I could feel God again.

My December.

I was so happy back then.
We went through this thing in about the end of December, beginning of January. I thought he didn't care, he was just busy.. it was just ridiculous. As soon as we fixed things I met somebody..


I was on a seriously good path with God, and I was when I met him. I remember the very first night we talked he said "you aren't one of those fake Christians are you? You talk it up and don't live it" I said "no, not me. I live the way I'm suppose to. Not perfect, but I try to live right" ...

I didn't know then that, that was a lie in itself. I changed. Completely. I wanted him to like me so bad that I changed the person I was. & I truly believe that if I would have stayed the same, and not changed. He would have liked me just fine.

However, I did change.

Things happened and we stopped hanging out.
I tried to live for God again and I was doing wonderful.

I met another person.


I hurt someone I loved very much to be with him. I actually enjoyed my relationship with him. But, I messed up and I hurt him. It hurts that I did that, and I, in all honesty, don't know why I did it. I do miss him, I won't lie. Because, I didn't change for him. I was still me. I was JamieLynn and he respected that completely. Because, he cared. I could be myself, I could stay myself. I always had fun. & he made me happy.

Oh well...


I've always wanted to save the whole world. I've always thought I was strong enough to stand against the "whiles of the devil" .. psht. No thanks. Can't do it.


I failed. & I lost myself. Literally. I ask myself, "where is Jamie?" Everyday. It wasn't anybody's fault but my own. I could have said no to a lot of things I have done. I could have stood up and said "nah". I could have not lied and I could have not hurt all the people that I care about.

As I said, A LOT has happened to me. I would go back and redo 2010 if I could. I would have said yes to some things and no to others. Being young is a hard journey haha, but in the end I know it's worth it. We're going to work on finding Jamie now. & being who she is suppose to be.

I have a problem with compromising a lot. I. refuse. to. ever. compromise. again. The end. I. will. not. I will follow God. He will be the heart of my heart.

I have spent a lot of time trying to save the people I love. In the process, I lost Jamie. Now, I have to set aside saving others and just pray for them. It's time to save myself. I have decided to follow Jesus.


It's time to do me!


♥ Ashley ♥ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
♥ Ashley ♥ said...

awww :)
I love this Jamie!
You are a beautiful writer, I can feel your heart coming through the words.
I know we have not talked much recently but I am so glad we are working on getting close again.
I am always here if you need me.
I feel as if we are going through changes at the same time, different changes of course but, still changing in to people that we want to be.
I love you girl!
I don't think I have said that in a really long time...but i mean it.

chadandnikki said...

I love Jamie. The real Jamie. The one God made you to be. Seek Him and you will find you.