Happy 2010

2009 has been a different year. If you would have looked at me January 1, 2009 & been like "Jamie your year is going to be like this..." if you would have told my sisterinlaw was going to get pregnant again & have a babygirl but that baby girl was going to have a chormosone thing called T18 & was only going to live for 63 minutes & that I was going to be very angry with God for a very long time.. and that I was going to have a literal breakdown in front of about 15 people at church camp.. I would have looked at you like you were insane.

However my year did hold that. Nikki did get pregnant with the most perfect babygirl I have ever laid my eyes on. I don't think even my own children could measure up to her perfection. She did have a disorder called T18. & she did only stay here for 63 minutes. Those are times I'll never forget.. I was mad at God for a very long time. I tried to find light in the darkness of the situation, but you know.. sometimes it's hard. I chose to give God the "cold shoulder" -- take my advice & never do that. Lean on Him & let Him direct you. That was in all honesty the hardest thing I've ever went through. & even when I told Him it was okay that I wasn't mad anymore and that I wanted to come home. He let me know I was welcome but I had some reprocuations of some serious silence. A silence that lasted 3 months.

Other things in my life that will remain unspoken happened also so it wasn't all because I gave God the cold shoulder.

Most of everyone I've told has thought I was crazy.. even CM. However, when I met CM, he was just amazing to me. We decided that we didn't know what God wanted in our lives but believed God had lead us to each other & that we should pray about what to do next. God had been silent to me for three months & in that three months I continued to pray because I knew God was there.. so I prayed about the CM situation & in the midst of my prayer I felt God's precense. I will never ever forget that night. I felt Him. I cried.. haha, I don't think I've ever cried that hard because I could feel Him. It had been so long. It was a foregin feeling but a feeling that is so undescribable & amazing.

Now you can understand some more why CM is so important to me. God used him.. I believe. One of those things where God works in mysterious ways & uses people you would never expect.

By the way. Things have gotten a lot better. I didn't even disect anything today:) I got a very.. what's the word?.. sweet text this morning. & it's just gotten better. I truely believe God sent CM my way and my mind will never change about that. That's why all of this has been such a big deal to me. I thought I was going to lose someone that had such a big impact on my life. && for once in my life, I thought it was worth it. & I felt like I had something to fight for:)

This is all so jumbled. I'm sorry. It's 2:00am & I'm tired. We had a wonderful watch night service and God came by just like we all asked Him to do. I love Him so much & thank Him for His wonderful glory that He graciously bestows upon me and my family & my friends.

I may have grew up in a bubble. && at times I disliked my parents for that bubble. But, now.. looking back I thank God for that bubble. Because without it I know for sure I wouldn't be where I am today. My life is beautiful. Even though it has some clouds of gray & showers of sadness. However, if we didn't have the bad days what would be the need for prayer? If we didn't have bad days.. why would we need God? So, I thank Him for the bad days. & I thank Him for the good.

My song for today: "I Have Been Blessed"..
God is so good to me.
Precious are His thoughts of you & me.
No way could I count them..
There's not enough time.
So I will just thank Him for being so kind.
God is so good, so good.
I have been blessed:)