It's a strange feeling

Missing someone is the strangest feeling. I'm not talking about missing someone because they went away for a week or so. Because when I was a kid my dad went to Mexico for a week and I missed him so bad. Then when I got a little older, my oldest brother, Chad, went to Florida with his now wife, Nikki, and I missed him WAY more than a little 8 year old sister should. No, that's not the type of miss I'm talking about. I'm talking about missing someone because they aren't here anymore at all. Not in body or spirit or anything.

It's the strangest thing. Two weeks ago today my perfect neice went to be with our Savior. Today, I miss her more than I have through out the whole shabang. It's weird for me. I think today it hit me because, well I'm not really sure why it hit me all of a sudden today. It just did. Okay, I'm rambling... let me explain this.

My mind does not wrap around death or any sort of it. When I was a kid it wouldn't even wrap around when my first pet goldfish Teej died, or even when my puppy Angel died, or especially when my favorite dog or sidekick, Slinkey died. No, I'm not comparing my neice to an animal. I'm saying that's the only loss I had at that time. Okay, I sound like a complete idiot. Let me start over...

*Sigh*.......

My mind doesn't wrap around death or any sort of it. I can't comprehend it. My mind blocks it out and it's like a dream. I blocked Johanna completely out of my mind after she was gone. Not that I didn't love her. Because I truely did. From her perfect painted on lips, to her curly black hair, down to her second toe being bigger than the first, and right back up to her crooked pinkies like her Pawpaw, Daddy, and I all have. I just blocked it out. It’s a block in my mind now. When I want to go to a Johanna box. I can’t get in. It’s locked, and I forgot the combination. I see her picture and it’s like I can’t remember. I mean, I know I was there and I know what happened but it’s like I wasn’t there. Does that make sense?

It's okay to say I'm crazy. Really, I get it a lot.

However, today, I looked up at her picture on our wall and just remembered it all. It's like I picked the lock and remembered and it was amazing. I remembered every emotion I had from the day I found out Nikki was pregnant. I loved it. The excitement, the love, the joy... then I remembered the sadness of it all when we found out in April '09 that Jo wasn't going to be like her big brother. She was going to have some messed up chromosone thing called T18. Still yet I loved her unconditionally. I knew she would be perfect. I'm sitting her crying, retracing the memory I had of today. So I blocked the T18... like if I didn't think about it would go away and everything would be fine. So the more I blocked it, the harder it got. It was like this thing inside me eating at me saying "you have to deal with me Jamie"... so I started dealing with it, and the thing I didn't want to happen in the first place happened... I got angry with God. I mean, I was flat out mad. I've never been so angry at anything in my life. I never dealt with that until camp. Then I was okay with it.

Then today I was thinking about how I had this "peace" with everything. It's like I felt that everything was going to be hunky-dory and we'd be playing with Jo right now, she'd be 2 precious weeks old. But the truth is, that's not how it was going to be and deep down in my heart, I knew that it wasn't going to be that way but once again, I ignored it because I thought, maybe, just maybe it'd go away. Of course, it didn't. I have learned that just because you ignore them it isn't going to go away.

Back to the real world and not remembering anything: I'm not so mad at God anymore. I mean, I am sortah. We have been doing this Bible Study called Experiencing God... and it's really great. & it asked me if I completely loved God with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. I had to check the no box. Yeah, I see your mouth dropping open... because to the whole world I'm this wonderful Christian and I love God so much. I never said I didn't love God. I truely do. I LOVE God so much. I'm just not in love with Him. I don't have that intimacy that my mother, my Dad, my youth leader, or anyone else I know has. I want it, I desire it... I thought I had it. It felt like I found out my favorite love song was talking about a sandwhich (okay that came from a movie for laughter's sake:)). I was wrong, I do love God, I'm just not in love with Him. I worship Him, I adore Him, I fear Him, I respect Him, I believe in Him... But I'm not IN LOVE with Him.

I'm down in my faith now. ALL TIME LOW. It's okay though. I'm going to pull through. God is going to make it all okay. Because you know... He loves me and He wants me and on days like today when I have feelings I don't understand and thoughts I can't express to good, He understands. He understands the tears I am crying at this very moment, and the tears I will cry through every situation in my life. I can express them to Him and He will know. I just really miss her today... more than I've ever missed anything in my life.

If anyone doesn't like this blog, I'll take it off. I'm always worried about what people are thinking, but my blog is for what I think and feel, right? An extremely intelligent woman once told me that I can't do it alone. That I need to tell someone. Because if you do it alone, the pain is much worse. I love you, Nikki.