LOVE AND LOSS

Dear God,

This weekend I watched Teresa lose the love of her life after they fought his cancer for two years. I haven't had this many sad emotions since Johanna died. My heart is burned and it breaks so much to see a woman cry out in the middle of a service and scream her husbands name... and then raise her hand in praise. The strength I see in her amazes me.

Just last week I was telling my mom how I wanted to get married so bad and have a family. That, that's the happiness I want out of life more than anything else... now that's the scariest thing to me. I'm scared to be alone for the rest of my life yet I'm scared that I would have to go through something like that someday and I just don't want that to happen.

I don't know what you have planned for me.

I know that I watched Mark struggle for so long but he was so strong. He never got mad at you. I haven't been through a glimpse of what he went through and I got angry and resentful towards you. And I want to serve you so bad but I have this fear that you don't want me anymore. I'm not really sure what to think of it. And I write these prayers to you, but are you really getting them? My faith used to be so strong and I don't know how to make it to that point in my life again.

I don't want to live wordly I want to live Godly. It's just I don't want to people to see me as a hypocrite. I don't want to be labeled as that for how I have lived my life in the passed.

Help me, God?

Love, me.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG

Dear God,

I am honestly not even really sure what I should say to you. I have lead myself out of your will and been to scared to talk to you. But, I read this thing today that it just makes it worse when I am so ashamed of my sin that I become silent to you and run away and not talk to you. Thinking that you want nothing to do with me. Why wouldn't you want anything to do with me? You created me? And I am your creation.

Sometimes, Lord, I just feel so messed up I don't know what to do. Some days I'm not sure even which end is up really. I know that you love me, and I know that you are there for me waiting for my return. And I have so many ill feelings in my heart I'm not sure that you really need me to be an example to others.

Today my Grandma told my Mom that I was such a wonderful girl. I just wanted to say to her that she doesn't really know me. If she knew half the things I have done that she wouldn't be so proud of me and that she wouldn't even want to pretend that she knows me... especially that I'm her granddaughter.

I know that I'm not the only person that has ever went through a hard time, but am I the only one that is too scared to talk to you from shame? So... I silence myself. And I have this fear that if you can't use me that you are just going to take me out of the way from this world and move someone else in that can.

I am low in my faith and I need restoration like no other. It hasn't even been a year since my coming back to you at church camp. I want that fire and that zeal and that peace and that contentment that surpasses all understanding back. It's is as if I don't know how to get back to it. I can't blame it on the weather anymore because well, the weather has been beautiful and my favorite kind of weather and I thank you for that.

I really do love you, God... even when I don't act like it or my life doesn't show it. I don't show it or act like it or tell you because, I feel like you are ashamed of me... but I guess, really... I am ashamed of myself. I don't know how to forgive myself so that I feel like you have forgiven me. I know that you have when I asked... I just want to feel it, and for that to happen I have to forgive myself for all that I have done.

I love you.

Love, me.